Self-forgiveness

What is the best way to cope with the suffering for the loss of a child or of a fetus, whether it is a voluntary birth interruption, a medical abortion or a problem experienced at birth? The French association Agapa provides counselling and support to all those who find it hard to cope with this tragic experience. The peculiarity of Agapa consists in a structural form of counselling that enables those who seek its help to recover life motivation. Armelle Breton broached the topic, in the latest issue of the magazine “La vie”. Agapa, a life-saver. 40 year-old Nathalie – four children and two miscarriages at 5 and at 6 months of pregnancy (in 2001 and 2003) – has “a heavy burden in her heart”. What she experienced as tragic events, others consider mere misadventures. “There’s an enormous difference between what a woman experiences inside herself and the reaction of those living near her, or more in general, of society”, remarked Guillemette Porta, Agapa volunteer and spokesperson of the Association. “It’s necessary to help these people ‘relive’ this reality and insert it in their lives, since – Guillemette Porta pointed out – these events cannot be erased”. Nathalie confirmed: «here I met with people who were willing to listen. This enabled me to put an end to a period of suffering and give it a place in my life. The burden I used to feel disappeared. Now I am at peace”. Sidonie, 36, had a voluntary abortion. “In 1997, a month after I had broken up with my boyfriend, I realized I was pregnant. I decided to have an abortion. In that period, I found nobody to talk about it. For a long time I felt guilty and that I deserved to be punished. After a period of psychotherapy, I contacted Agapa where for the first time I was under the impression that I could establish a confidential relationship. They were moralistic about it. I seriously decided to undertake this path and thanks to that commitment today I consider abortion a part of my life”. Isabelle, 28, gave birth to a dead child. “Two months later I contacted Agapa. Six months seemed a long period to me. My meetings with the association became the lifeline that enabled me to turn a new page”. Four steps to recover one’s life. The Association proposes a four-stage program. The first part is devoted to “reinterpreting” one’s personal and family history, followed by self-recovery and the reintegration of self-esteem. «These women usually have a very low self-esteem – Guillemette Porta pointed out – our task is help them rediscover who they truly are – and not what they proclaimed themselves to be – with their strengths and their weaknesses”. The next step leads to the main part of the program, the mourning, whose mention already causes much suffering: “small creatures” for some, “this” for others. The words employed to describe this moment are a first insight into denied or rejected happiness. Lastly, the fourth step, which is forgiveness. The religious connotation of its name refers to the fact that Agapa was established in 1993 by the diocese of Paris starting from the acknowledgement that ideological struggles between the pro and anti- abortion supporters underestimate women’s suffering. But Tauss warns: “this is not a virtuous form of forgiveness. Rather, it is a form of self-reconciliation, the only way to recover one’s own lives”. A psychotherapy? What do psychoanalysts think of this six-month program, that in some of its aspects resembles psychotherapy? A tête-à-tête with a person who listens to you once a week, a journey into one’s inner self with a contribution of 20 euro that cover the expenses of the association. “We don’t pretend to be therapeutists. We are people who are willing to listen. The twenty meetings envisaged in the program are limited to a period of time”, Porta explained. The Association’s volunteer workers say they provide guidance also to those people whose pathological forms of suffering are distant from their responsibilities. Agapa embraces everyone and the target is not proselytising. This is the very Christian trait of the Association.